Dramione: A Parody
by Spinning Round on a Carousel
Summary: The story of how Draco and Hermione fell in love. Over the course of two days.


Dramione: A Parody

Hermione Granger was not a happy bunny.

Draco Malfoy was a very happy bunny.

Let us compare the two for one second, dear readers, and wonder how we get to the point that we shall get to once this present comparison is over. Or rather, we have already got to it, but shall get to it again.

Hermione Granger: one third of the Golden Trio, know-it-all, best friend of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, war hero, muggleborn, champion of the Light and hater of the Dark.

Draco Malfoy: Death Eater, bully, pureblood supremacist, friend of Goyle and (until his death) Crabbe, would-be-assassin, scourge of the Wizarding World and hater of all three thirds of the Golden Trio.

Oh, and did I forget to say: despite all the signs that point firmly to their hatred of one another, they've actually been harbouring very, very deep and sincere feelings of love since they first set eyes on one another.

Star-crossed, one might say. Like Romeo and Juliet. In other words, doomed to fail.

Not in this story. You see, they have something Romeo and Juliet didn't, something that Hamlet and Ophelia couldn't even begin to comprehend. Yes, they have been selected as Head Girl and Head Boy respectively.

Hermione Granger – let's face it, we saw it coming. She was perfect for the job and it was her ambition from the start. Should she return to Hogwarts to do her seventh year, naturally the Head Girl badge was hers.

But Malfoy? Take a look at the facts.

Well, regarding his character, please refer to the above list. Particularly _scourge of the Wizarding World. _I.E: everybody hates him. Everybody including Professor McGonagall, Headmistress and presumably responsible for choosing the heads. But, you know, she's willing to overlook the fact that he's probably got two parents in Azkaban and that lovely tattoo on his arm, and thinks he'll be perfect for the position.

Now to the point.

(These two sentences may look familiar. In fact, I hope they do, or you're suffering from memory problems. See a doctor. If you remember to, that is. If you write stories like this, you may not as you likely have issues with continuity.)

Hermione Granger was not a happy bunny.

Draco Malfoy was a very happy bunny.

Why is that? Well, Miss Granger is very unhappy because Draco Malfoy is Head Boy (currently, she's forgotten about her affections for him. They will resurface later, at the point when they declare their undying love. Oops, spoiler alert. Sorry. And it would've been such a surprise.) and Mr Malfoy is very happy because Hermione Granger is Head Girl and this will give him the opportunity to convince her of his love for her, and obviously, because it's inconceivable that she wouldn't reciprocate, they'll ride off into the sunset.

Now for the train journey conversation. The conversation when Hermione meets the guy who watched as she was tortured in his house... Nah, let's move on. Silly idea. (Coincidentally, we'd better forget about the whole torturing bit later on. Might put a few issues in this perfect relationship.)

Okay, so we're fast-forwarding past the train journey conversation and Prefects Meeting, that would be boring – or we can rush this bit, they can meet up, say 'hi' and forget all about the aforementioned torturing and preferably the whole war too. That means we'll get to the romance quicker.

So also skip the feast, they're at separate tables, there won't be any Hermione/Draco interaction, and we've had seven books worth of Harry, Ron and Hermione conversations, that's that quota fulfilled.

Right, so now let's go straight to Heads' Dormitories and the Heads' Common Room, because the job of the Head Boy and Girl is just to patrol on occasion, dock points and fall madly in love with their opposite, not to do anything of actual worth after the feast. Not showing First Years to dormitories or anything like that. And they MUST have separate dormitories to their peers. It's imperative; where else would the late night conversations and the falling in love take place?

(Well, not here. For one, they're already in love (secret feelings, people, keep up) and two, they'll fall in love really quickly so we don't have to waste valuable words on tension and build-up. 'Cause, you know, that's not important to a story at all.)

Now, we'll either be in Hermione's room, Draco's or their common room. The most probable set-up is this, although feel free to substitute in whatever person or room you like: Draco in room, Hermione in shower, Draco agonising over Hermione in shower, Hermione agonising over how she'll get through this year without revealing her feelings (her memory has now returned. Just go along with it).

Right, next day. Ron will naturally assume something is going on between Hermione and Draco, because they've shared a tower for one night and naturally, it will have been spent going at it like bunnies. Also, Ron isn't with Hermione, refer to A/N that will no doubt explain the backstory of how they decided the kiss meant nothing etc etc – but of course, Ron is still jealous. Oh well, at least Hermione isn't cheating, that's even more unrealistic (although fear not, this could happen. It's pure luck it hasn't). Harry will side with Ron, then half-way through change his position and side with Hermione, because he's Harry, he's fair, and those sparkling, emerald green eyes are just so lovely... Sorry, back to the real world. Oh, yes, and also, Harry has completely forgiven Draco and would in fact encourage a relationship. I mean, when someone's aunt tortured your best friend, they (accidentally) poisoned another, and the entire family tried to/did kill or injure many others, you harbour no ill feelings at all.

Now onto rounds. Hermione and Draco will go together, and because they're alone, their hidden feelings will surface and they'll passionately kiss. Draco's eyes will be 'stormy grey'. Expect at least one comparison between Hermione's eyes and chocolate.

Depending on the rating and maturity of the writer, they'll either continue kissing, move on to making out, go back to their dormitories and go to bed, or go back to their dormitories and go at it like bunnies.

Next morning! Yay. They'll go down to the Great Hall, hand in hand, Ron will gasp and throw a punch, Harry will either be angry or accepting, but after perhaps a minute or two, both will understand the two are meant for one another and it will all be great.

And now that they're together, let's skip the rest of the year, because it's rainbows and puppies from here on out.

**A/N: I should mention I don't hate all Dramiones. Some are exceptionally good (for example, Eyes Open by Day Met the Night, or Arabesque by CelticKisses on HPFF), but some... Well, let's face it, they go much like this.**

**But then perhaps you disagree? Feel free to tell me if you think I've hit the nail on the head or am going west when the destination's east.**

**PS. I own nothing. Not even the plot. You can see it mirrored in hundreds of other stories.**


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